Aftercare
Aftercare
Aftercare
Even if you’ve engaged in impact play before, and even if it has been with the same partner, aftercare can be vital. Every impact scene is different, and so is every body you engage with. It’s normal for our bodies to have physiological responses when we push them to their hard limits.
We engage in aftercare for a multitude of reasons and it can look like many different things for different people. It can even vary day to day, or from partner to partner. It also creates space to reconnect, with yourself and/or together.
Impact play can take many people to many places, and in order to feel safe in yielding to the journey, it is comforting to know there is time to have any needs met afterwards.
PSA for those who have monthly cycles/bleeds - be gentle with yourself and listen to your body. Your capacity for impact will fluctuate depending on where you are in your cycle and it is important to not push past our limits, even if they feel different to last time or you have ‘done it before’. Maybe today is not the day! Or maybe it is ;)
Aftercare is essential to the safety & wellbeing of those of us who choose to engage in impact play. Make sure to check in with yourself, and your partner/s before you play; is there any specific aftercare you or they may need? I find it really helpful to know this beforehand. These conversations allow you to receive and determine whether or not you have capacity to meet your partner/s needs. If either of you are unsure, take a pause. Maybe play looks different today; adjust to a happy place where you can meet each others capacity. If this is not possible then consider not engaging together today. - Of course things do unexpectedly arise during play. It is important that a safe space is created to feel, talk and process anything that comes up. Active consent should be practiced in these conversations.
Why aftercare?
Never had this conversation before? Unsure how to bring it up? Shy in communicating your needs? Or maybe expressing your needs might come easily to you, but you notice when your partner/s struggle.
If you are the latter, initiating these conversations by offering your own needs first is a great way to create a safe environment for someone who is a bit on the shy side. If you are the shy one (like me!), I find sharing my needs easier once the conversation is flowing. I like to initiate by asking my partner/s what they have needed as aftercare in the past, or what they anticipate they may need from our time together today.
Conversation starter..?
Examples of aftercare
Showing intentional care and love to the specific areas of the body that received impact and/or play.
Depending on the play, the body, and individual needs this could look different. Light, gentle massage, body worship, little kisses over the skin, a soothing bath, cleaning & treating of any wounds where skin has broken (being careful to follow safe practice when handling any body fluids) are all great options, but don’t feel limited! What does your/their body need/desire?
Personally I love gentle, but firm touch on the parts of my body that received heavy impact, and soft delicate, maybe a bit ticklish, strokes & massage on those that didn’t. But this also differs from day to day. Sometimes I don’t want touch or I need a warm bath.
Tend marks & wounds
Have water on hand throughout your play but make sure to hydrate afterwards too - because lets be honest, we don’t always stop for a water break.
A hot tea and bite to eat can also bring us back into the body. You want to focus on replenishing natural sugars and boosting potassium. Banana smoothies do both at once!
Note: many people experience a drop in blood sugar post-play.
Experiment with preparing these together/for each other - this can be another way to show care for one another.
Nourishment
I have found that physical touch is quite often either a big yes, or a big no after impact play, and it is really helpful to understand where it falls for you and your partner/s before each session together.
For some, cuddles, intimate love making, massage, a shower or bath together (among many other ways!) are exactly what they crave. For others, dropping back into physical intimacy can be a different process which requires a bit of space & time. Warm, cosy blankets or a big robe are great ways to provide physical aftercare for your partner in this instance - With discussion of course! Both people need to be happy with this option.
Physical touch
Sometimes being alone is the best aftercare you could give someone. For some, being able to check in and tend to their own needs is a gift in itself and having space and time to just exist within their own skin is restorative.
It is helpful to establish this prior to play to prepare for and address any potential conflicting needs. An example being - I really value cuddles and some form of connection immediately after play, and alone time is really important for one of my partners. We have an agreement that we have some cuddles initially, followed by some alone time, before coming back together later on for reconnection.
This varies significantly from person to person so please check in first before leaving someone alone after play.
Alone time
Sleep
Sleep is so, so important after impact play. Sometimes a short nap is enough, while other times a full nights sleep & rest is needed in order to full feely restored. It may sound obvious, but sleep is essential to healing those marks and bruises that may remain post-play.
Simple chat after play is also a valid form of aftercare. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that if that is not what is desired!
It can be a good time to bring up favourite moments, things you enjoyed, and to ask how they’re feeling - without creating pressure for answers. Sometimes people need time to sit with their experience!
Don’t jump in offering potential critique to someone who might be vulnerable due to the play that has just taken place. Create space seperate from this for check-ins post play, once people have had time to settle and check in with themselves.
Chit chat
Relaxing activities tailored to the individual/s are a great way to decompress after play. These look different to everybody.
Reading, drawing, watching a film or going for a walk in nature are all great things to chill the fuck out with.
Chilling the fuck out
If you don’t know that is okay! You are not alone and we find out through imagining, exploring, and experiencing. You often won’t know how you will feel until you are experiencing it, and through consent based approaches to play we can safely navigate this wonderful playground with people we trust.
It is crucial for everyone involved to be practicing ongoing-active consent. This means that consent is asked for, and remains a continual conversation throughout play. Having safe-words and using the traffic light system (red=stop | orange=keep going slow, I am at the edge | green=love it keep going!) helps us communicate during play, and ensures that everyone is happy with what is going on. This is especially important when you are exploring and trying new things.
Trusting that the people we are playing with will speak up when they need to encourages us to feel safe to speak up when we need to. Even after the play has occurred, and you all have moved on, you are allowed to voice needs and start conversations if you need.
I don’t know
Something unexpected come up during play for either you or your partner/s? This can be challenging for everyone but there are right and wrong ways to respond.
There are endless scenarios we could go into - but we won’t. It’s impossible to predict every situation, but having a good set of core values in these situations can help guide us to what the appropriate response is. - And sometimes we will fuck up and get things wrong, we are only human after all. When this happens, own your mistake, show up, apologise.
How I determine my response in these situations - Physical safety is there any physical risk at present? Restraints, collar etc?
Mental safety is there an immediate need? Hug, squeeze, strokes, sitting in company without touch, listening?
Self check-in is this bringing anything up for me? Do I have capacity to handle this situation? Remove yourself if not. But communicate in doing so. Let them know what is going on. If there is no one else to be there for your partner let them know that they won’t be alone long, you need a moment for yourself and that you are just *in the next room*.
The unexpected
A lot of people overlook the needs of the more dominant person in an exchange. Even doms themselves! This leads to a lot of misconceptions about who aftercare is for. It is indeed for everyone, and there are often times when the sub doesn’t need aftercare but the dom does.
Crafting a scene, holding space, and making the majority of the decisions, while extremely fun and fulfilling, is also physically and mentally fatiguing. Check in with your dom regarding any aftercare they need and make sure they get checked over afterwards with just as much care as the sub.
Doms may take time to come to terms with things they have said or done during a scene. Guilt is common for even the most experienced dominants. Endorphins can lead to a high, but coming back down from it can be quite the crash.
Don’t forget the doms
Sometimes there is a clear order in which aftercare just happens. But when it isn’t as clear and multiple people require aftercare at the same time, it’s best to focus on the things you can do together, and if there is anything else either of you need to do immediately for your own care and comfort.
Who first?
Aftercare for your toys is just as important
- they need it just as much as we do!
Make sure to freshen your Medusa toys every few months. When they have had a bit of use, or when they get a bit dry it’s time.
100% Aotearoa beeswax
Rub on a thin layer of top coat
Leave it to dry and settle
Wipe off the excess with a soft cloth
Top coat
Sometimes no aftercare is needed from another person and you can both go on with your day as fast as you can get dressed. Maybe you have your own checklist of personal aftercare you do for yourself - or maybe another partner is waiting at home to give you some!
Aftercare doesn’t need to be a big long thing if you don’t want it to be. Chat about it beforehand and make expectations/capacity clear so you don’t end up running out on someone who was expecting snugs.
I often find that my need for aftercare from a play partner/s is based on how deep the romantic/emotional bond is. If they are a play-partner where romance and emotional connection is less of a factor then I find myself needing less (not always nothing, but significantly less) from them in the form of aftercare.